A poster outside of the Beacon Theatre, New York. May 3, 2017
The difficulty of being someone who loves the music of Ryan Adams.
This was not an easy post to write. Not back in 2019. Hard still updating in mid-2021.
Down in a Hole
Ryan Adams. Despite everything, I love his music.
He is likely a mercurial creative genius, as The New York Times reported on February 13, 2019.
It is, however, still taking me a while to digest what else he is. There’s a lot of stuff about, well, Ryan being an unbelievably cruel asshole. He impacted the trajectory of female artists such as Phoebe Bridgers (who is so fantastic my Phoebe playlist can run on a constant basis) and his ex-wife Mandy Moore. If everything reported is true, he is basically a sexual deviant in some way.
From reading those accounts, I sort of understand the accusations. Ryan had personality issues and may have been a jerk…. and worse. A personality who went on to potentially damage — did damage by all accounts— the careers of other artists. As stated in The New York Times piece, using “manipulative behavior in which Adams dangled career opportunities while simultaneously pursuing female artists for sex. In some cases, they said, he would turn domineering and vengeful, jerking away his offers of support when spurned, and subjecting women to emotional and verbal abuse, and harassment in texts and on social media.”
He also loves cats and pinball machines (as in he has over 120 of them).
I dunno, the music industry has had its fair share of jerks. I mean, John Lennon, Liam Gallagher, Morrissey, etc. As much as I love his music, John Lennon had huge personality issues, just without social media being so prevalent while he was alive. Don’t get me started on Chuck Berry.
But there are the accusations regarding Ryan of sexual misconduct with a minor, over social media. That absolutely kills me inside. It’s been two and a half years, and nothing has formally come of it other than Ryan going underground (or sort of… he is back on Instagram doing live videos and posting remorse about his recently deceased cat, Theo.) But it’s still there, and there is his most recent press release. A sort of apology. Sort of.
Fractured By the Fall
Big Colors.
Ryan was going to release three albums in 2019, sort of similar to 2005 when, playing with his band at the time, The Cardinals, he released Cold Roses, Jackson City Nights and 29. Cold Roses remains one of my favorite Ryan Adams’ albums, and arguably one of the best alt-country albums made.
The only thing we got from Ryan in 2019 was in January – a ballad, “Fuck it, I Love You”. It was beautiful, playing alongside John Mayer, and a good sign of things to come. The first of three Ryan Adams albums again, a trilogy to be named Big Colors.
But then The New York Times article dropped.
Elizabeth Weinberg for The New York Times
Wasted Years
Horror. Gobsmacked. Let down. And deprived.
It sounds selfish but deprived. I wasn’t going to get my three Ryan Adams albums in 2019. Probably not in 2020.
What a fucking idiot. Worse, one that I hoped he wouldn’t be: a cruel one.
I could barely read the articles. I read his tweets. I watched as his social media accounts disappeared into the black. I visited a few torrent sites in the vague hope that someone might have leaked one of the to-be-released Big Colors albums. Nothing.
I ended up taking a few of his recent B-sides and created a make-believe album called “Blackhole,” which had “ Fuck It, I Love You” on it. One of the songs I included was an acoustic cover of an Iron Maiden song called “Wasted Years.” It was from a YouTube clip, with him in a studio, playing on his own, just him and his Buck Owens acoustic guitar. I loved it so much, I used a program to download it, and then cut out the chatter at the beginning and end, using some other program. It took ages to do, getting the volume at the right level, etc. [NB: It turned out, damnit, Ryan had recorded “Wasted Years” for the Showtime series “Californication,” which was released in 2013… still it was fun trying to do my own version.]
Wasted years and a black hole, indeed.
I was just desperate to create a new Ryan Adams record.
Caption: Getty
Save Me
I just haven’t heard anything. I know Ryan has had….issues, but I just didn’t know how bad. There were hints in his music he had problems, things just as simple as “Save Me”: “Somebody save me, I just can’t go on”
After The New York Times report, I stopped listening to his music for a few months while it all…digested.
But, then it started again, and pretty aggressively. It was as if he had died. I created separate Ryan Adams Ballads and Ryan Adams Rock playlists on Spotify, one for ballads, another for rock. A general “Selection” one on iTunes. I began to listen again.
All I know is the music right now.
Motion Sickness
Yes, there is still, in the back of my mind, always, “Ava.”
Ava is the minor he allegedly exposed himself to, detailed in The New York Times report. I cannot re-tread all of its depressing details here.
Are the stories about her and Ryan true? At this stage, I don’t honestly know [it is 2021 and I still don’t know.]. Maybe, while drunk, etc. although he’s been trying to be sober for ages. Is an apology a declaration of innocence or “I’m guilty, and I’m sorry.”
The former, the latter…? Who knows?
His ex-wife, Mandy Moore, and others weren’t impressed by it being public, instead of first being approached privately.
“Motion Sickness” music video, Phoebe Bridgers, 2017
He said in his apology, “I hope that the people I’ve hurt will heal, and I hope that they will find a way to forgive me.”
But is Ava included?
Who else is he directing that apology towards?
Her relationship with Ryan caused Phoebe Bridgers to feel like she was having “emotional motion sickness” based on her song “Motion Sickness” from her absolutely outstanding debut, “Stranger in the Alps”:
Do You Still Love Me?
So, where does Ryan Adams go from here? It’s unclear if Big Colors will see the light of day. Perhaps pieces of it will. [NB: As of mid-August, 2021, we have seen two albums, Wednesday and Big Colors, neither which, sadly, have even been reviewed by any mainstream music website or magazine.]
Based on his last apology, he’ll get back to recording again, soon enough. There is certainly, remorse.
Photo: Capitol Records
It has been well over two years, and there has been no further mention of any form of an ongoing FBI investigation regarding his potential sexual misconduct. Is there a point where we can just take the view that these are unfounded allegations printed by The New York Times? Unlikely. Other than obvious remarks of innocence, there have been no hints of a libel lawsuit.
There is sort of a point where you can’t turn back. It’s terrible, and Ryan has ended up going down a path where he has hurt people beyond repair.
In his last song, prior to the release of his latest two albums in late 2020 and 2021, Ryan seemed to be heading towards a brighter future:
Permanent sunshine. I like to think Ryan will find it. I want him to. Somehow.
As difficult as it is, and despite it all, I don’t think I can ever stop myself listening to his music, whether he is an actual musical genius or not (that is an entirely different debate).
It’s hard to separate the man from the music, but you have to.
Everyone will have a different viewpoint, but at least for me, no matter what on earth has happened to him, his music is still fantastic and I love it. So I won’t and really cannot stop listening to it.
Photograph: Rachael Wright
PS: I prefer dogs. [and R.I.P. Theo.]
[Updated, August 16, 2021]